WHAT YOUR ROLE AS A HUSBAND IS AND ISN’T

Our individual roles in marriage can be confusing! After all, there are lots of mixed messages out there. However, it’s not as complicated as you think. Keep reading to find out more about what your role as a husband is and isn’t.

If each of us loved our wives as much as we loved ourselves, we might have perfect marriages! Biblically speaking, that’s really what our calling is. Husband’s ought to love their wives as their own bodies. After all, no one has hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body just as Christ does the church Now that’s a higher calling of love for sure! This is something we might begin to grasp on our wedding day, but it seems to fade away rather quickly as time goes on.

When trying to figure out what your role as a husband is and isn’t, keep this truth in mind. It will help you understand how to relate better to your wife and have the dynamic marriage God intended.

Now, let’s look at three main points about what your role as husband is and isn’t.

YOU ARE NOT THE CEO AT HOME (YOU ARE HER PARTNER)

As a CEO in the workplace, men have a way in which -they communicate with others in -their organization. However, playing the role of CEO at home is not the best way to connect with your wife! No matter what your role at work is, make sure when you come home, you communicate with -her as an equal partner. Very few of your business skills will translate well in your marriage. In fact, they will often backfire. Ask her about her day and tell her the highlights of yours. Leave work at work and be fully present as your wife’s partner.

Here are a few ways to treat your wife as an equal partner:

1. MAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER

In some families, the husband makes all major decisions, but in today’s families, couples make decisions together. In my opinion, this is the healthiest way to interact. After all, the decisions you’re making affect her life just as much as they affect yours. Leaving your wife out of the decision-making process will be like shooting yourself in the foot. It’s better to develop the mindset of “My wife is in this with me. We make decisions together.” This is one of the best ways to treat her as an equal partner.

2. CONNECT HER TO YOUR WORK

Find a way to have your wife stay connected to your career in a positive way. Share the joys and the struggles. This will help your marriage seem more like a partnership instead of a CEO/employee type of relationship. Bounce ideas off of her and ask for her insight into work-related issues. Talk about your successes as well as your failures. Let her be the helpmate she was created to be by connecting her to your work life and involving her as a valued, equal partner.

3. AVOID THE WORLD’S VIEW OF MARRIAGE

The world is stacked against you and against your wife, which plays into your relationship; it’s just the way the world is. Much of the world sees men/husbands as higher or more important than wives. I encourage you to start fighting this view early on and treat your wife like the equal partner she is. It is very hard to fight the system of the world that makes a wife feel “less than,” but you can rise above the world’s view and make your marriage a co-partnership that not only survives but thrives.

For more tips about treating your wife as an equal partner, here’s a handout titled “Banking on Your Wife.”

YOU ARE NOT HER PARENT (YOU ARE LEARNING LIFE TOGETHER)

No matter how you were raised, it’s important you don’t act and communicate like your wife’s parent. After all, you are navigating life together. No one likes to feel inferior to another person, so be careful not to make your wife feel inferior in your marriage.

Personally, I’ve found that my wife and I process things completely different. I am much more analytical and can usually conclude on my thinking fairly quickly and confidently. In most cases, I make quick decisions and am ready to act at a moment’s notice.  My wife, however, processes things from an emotional and intuitive perspective, which takes more time, but in reality is equally as important as my approach to processing. I’ve learned I need to be patient with her, affirm and value her, and lean into the process of how she reaches conclusions and makes decisions. In essence, I focus more on the lyrics of life while my wife focuses more on the music. Understanding this has been more than helpful and has allowed me to tune in to the music my wife is hearing and focus less on the lyrics.

Here are a few questions to think about as you veer away from being your wife’s parent to being her partner in life:

• How much control do you maintain over your work world?
• How much of that mindset infiltrates into the marriage?
• How can you let go of managing and controlling your wife and focus on including her as a life partner?
• Are you more of an active processor?
• Is your wife an active or passive processor?
• Do you act in a way that devalues the passive process?

Being able to answer these questions honestly and openly will help you realize the areas in which you’re treating your wife more as a child instead of your spouse. And as you process these things, you’ll start to enjoy your role as husband in a well-balanced and healthy way.

YOU ARE NOT HER JUDGE (YOU ARE HER DEFENDER)

Unfortunately, we live in a world where we, as men, feel “right” more often than what is actually the case. When the world tells you you’re right most of the time, then your wife tells you you’re not right, it doesn’t feel good, and you argue over the silliest things.  The line that helps me avoid petty arguments is to say to myself, “stay out of the courtroom.” Why bring your wife into a “courtroom” and argue a point, just to win?

Avoid becoming the judge in your marriage and family. Focus on being her defender.  Let your wife know you are in it with her and not sitting high in the judgment seat. Come from a shared experience perspective so you don’t look like you are coming from a superior place.

Ultimately, your various roles as a husband start with loving your wife as Christ loves the church. When this foundation is in place, you’ll find it much easier to treat her as the equal partner she is, go through life together, and act as her defender instead of judge. And when you put these things into practice, you’ll hopefully find your marriage begin to thrive.

ACTION STEP:

Choose one of the points from this post to put into practice this week. Then, watch as your wife takes notice and appreciates your new role as her husband!