Our individual roles in marriage can be confusing! After all, there are lots of mixed messages out there. However, it’s not as complicated as you think. Let us explore more about what your role as a husband is and isn’t.
To begin, God calls husbands to love their wives as their own bodies. After all, no one has hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body just as Christ does the church. Now that’s a higher calling of love! This is something we might begin to grasp on our wedding day, but it seems to fade away rather quickly as time goes on.
When trying to figure out what your role as a husband is and isn’t, keep this truth – of love – in mind. It will help you understand how to relate better to your wife and have the dynamic marriage God intended.
Now, let’s look at three main points about what your role as a husband is and isn’t.
You Are Not the CEO at Home (You Are Her Partner)
Many of us in our working environment are the boss or in leadership roles. We’re in control and get to make all the decisions. The problem is we tend to carry this perspective home with us – where we are not the boss. We are to have a 50-50 relationship, and it can sometimes be difficult to make that mental shift. Keep in mind, very few of your business skills will translate well into your marriage.
The world typically favors men. Yet if we don’t consciously fight that as husbands, it will cause a lot of problems in our marriages. I strongly encourage you to view, value and treat your spouse as an equal partner.
You initially started as individuals, but as you grow in your marriage it is important to move to oneness. You want to eliminate anything in your marriage that creates separation – including finances, decision making, future planning and so on. Doing this effectively requires constant communication and understanding. Always ask yourself if your action is moving you to oneness or separation. This world pushes for separation, so together you must come up with a plan to resist it.
Here are a few ways to treat your wife as an equal partner:
- Make decisions together.
In some families, the husband traditionally makes all major decisions, but ideally, couples should make decisions together. In my opinion, this is the healthiest way to interact. After all, the decisions you’re making affect her life just as much as they affect yours. Excluding your wife from the decision-making process is counterproductive. It’s better to adopt the mindset “My wife is in this with me. We make decisions together.”. - Avoid the world’s view of marriage.
The world is stacked against you and your wife, which plays into your relationship. Many still view men and husbands as higher or more important than women/wives. I encourage you to challenge this perspective from the start and treat your wife as the equal partner she is. While it’s difficult to fight a system that makes wives feel “less than,” you can rise above this and create a co-partnership in your marriage that not only survives but thrives.
For more tips about treating your wife as an equal partner, read the handout titled “Banking on Your Wife.”
You Are Not Her Parent (You Are Learning Life Together)
No matter how you were raised, it’s important you don’t act and communicate like your wife’s parent. After all, you are navigating life together. No one likes to feel inferior to another person, so be careful not to make your wife feel inferior in your marriage.
Personally, I’ve found that my wife and I process things completely different. I am much more analytical and can usually conclude on my thinking fairly quickly and confidently. In most cases, I make quick decisions and am ready to act at a moment’s notice. My wife, however, processes things from an emotional and intuitive perspective, which takes more time, but, in reality, is equally as important as my approach to processing. I’ve learned I need to be patient with her, affirm and value her, and lean in to the process of how she reaches conclusions and makes decisions. In essence, I focus more on the lyrics of life while my wife focuses more on the music. Understanding this has been more than helpful, and has allowed me to tune in to the music my wife is hearing and focus less on the lyrics.
Here are a few questions to think about as you move away from being your wife’s parent to being her partner in life:
- How much of that mindset infiltrates into the marriage?
- How can you let go of managing and controlling your wife and focus on including her as a life partner?
- Are you more of an active or passive processor?
- Is your wife an active or passive processor?
- Do you act in a way that devalues her process?
Being able to answer these questions honestly and openly will help you realize the areas in which you’re treating your wife more as a child instead of your spouse. As you process these areas, you’ll begin to enjoy your role as husband in a balanced and healthy way.
You Are Not Her Judge (You Are Her Defender)
Instead of thinking you’re your wife’s judge I like the idea of thinking I am Kathy’s defender. I like defending Kathy and lifting her up. When I’m mindful of it I can be pretty good at it and it encourages her as she deserves to be defended. I like focusing on being a defender of Kathy, being an encourager of her and appreciating her. Wives need encouragement. I wish it was easy to remember but it takes work.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where men often feel “right” more than is actually the case. When the world reinforces this belief, and your wife challenges it, it doesn’t feel good, leading to arguments over trivial matters.
To avoid petty disputes, I encourage you not to become the judge in your marriage and family. Focus on being your wife’s defender. Let her know you are in it with her and not sitting high in the judgment seat. Approach situations from a shared experience perspective, so you don’t appear to be coming from a superior place.
Ultimately, your various roles as a husband start with loving your wife as Christ loves the church. When this foundation is in place, you’ll find it much easier to treat her as the equal partner she is, go through life together, and act as her defender instead of judge. And when you put these things into practice, you’ll hopefully find your marriage begin to thrive.
Action Step:
Choose one of the points from this post to put into practice this week. Then, watch as your wife takes notice and appreciates your role as her husband!
