COMMUNICATION – IT MATTERS MORE THAN YOU THINK

I feel very blessed to have a good communication relationship with each of my children, but it took a lot of work and persistence to get here. I had to be consistent and intentional about it, and constantly assure and model to them they could come to me with anything they were going through. 

Communication matters more than you think. In my opinion, fathers need to establish a strong habit of communication from the earliest age. I know how easy it is to let your business prevent you from truly interacting with your kids, but I encourage you to make communication a top priority in your household.

One of the foundational pieces to communication is unconditional love and acceptance. Once your kids understand that you love them unconditionally, they’ll be more likely to share their struggles without feeling the need to perform or achieve something to acquire your love. This is a crucial piece of the communication puzzle—one I really had work on myself.

I hope my experiences will help you establish good communication habits in your family—habits that will last well beyond their growing up years.

SHARE YOUR “PEAKS” AND “PITS”

As my kids were growing up, we took turns around the dinner table each night sharing “peaks” and “pits” from the day. They didn’t have to have a “pit” that day, but they always had to share at least one “peak.” This was a great way to get my kids to acknowledge both their highs and lows and open up about them. It was also a good way to sharpen my listening skills, which is another vital piece of the puzzle.

I suggest starting your own family traditions that invite conversation and allow your kids to feel heard. Develop habits that will encourage your children to share both the highs and lows of life. You might be surprised at how eager they are to share about their day! In fact, your kids will likely begin leading family conversations and instigating the “peaks” and “pits” routine every evening.

For more conversation ideas, here’s a resource called Conversation Starters for Parents and Kids.

TELL THE TRUTH ALWAYS

I am a truth teller; that’s the way I was raised. It was important to my mom, and she instilled it in me at a young age. Hence, as I’ve grown up, I’ve determined to be a truth teller at all times. I have raised my kids to know the value of honesty and how it honors God. I’ve also taught them that remaining silent to something they know isn’t right is a form of dishonesty.

I believe it’s important to instill a deep sense of truth telling in your kids and set firm consequences for being dishonest. Without this foundational standard, it will be easy for them to get in a pattern of lying their way out of things, which will only lead to more dishonesty.

Keep in mind, if you’re going to set the standard of honesty in your family, youmust uphold it yourself. In my experience, it’s better to admit when you’ve been wrong and apologize, rather than trying to gloss over it or cover it up.

Kids as young as four or five-years-old are old enough to understand that they need to be truth tellers. Make this a rule in your family from the start, and you’ll find yourself in a much better communication pattern with your children as they grow up.

HAVE TOUGH CONVERSATIONS

Over the years, I was the one that seemed to have most of the tough conversations with our kids. I’ve talked with my girls about how men think, what drives them, and even some uncomfortable things about how men might behave towards them. While it wasn’t always easy, it opened up the lines of communication to the point where they could come to me with anything that was on their minds.

When tough conversations come up, try to discern whether your kids are wanting your insight rather than instruction. Resist the tendency to become authoritative or to tell them they are wrong in their thinking. In most cases, they’re not wanting you to get emotional about the subject, or to be told they are wrong. In fact, it’s an honor when a child comes to you with something serious. I strongly suggest listening calmly without getting overly emotional. If the issue is concerning, you can always go back and address it later, but listen first and consider the bravery it took for your child to come to you in the first place. 

I’ve always considered deep conversations as the “long game.” I am in it for the long haul and want to have conversations that foster long-term communication patterns. Here’s a resource that might help you develop a closer connection with your kids and open yourself up to tough conversations.

SPELL OUT THE RULES

In my opinion, rules should be spelled out clearly. When they aren’t communicated from the start, it leaves room for miscommunication and pushing of the boundaries.

One rule that served us really well was telling our children when they graduated from college they were independent from us. We made it clear that they were adults and they were responsible for themselves. We gave them 12 months after graduation where they could move back home and save money.  If they didn’t use all 12 months the unused portion could be used in the future (moving home for emergency reasons was always available)..

Knowing there was no moving home for an extended period of time helped the kids establish independence and create a life of their own. It was something we told them long before they went to college, and it was a family policy that served us well.

Determine what family rules need to be set and make them clear from the beginning. Here are a few areas in which clear rules and boundaries can make all the difference:

• Schoolwork and grades
• Sportsmanship and integrity
• Household chores and responsibilities
• Dating and friendships
• Allowances and savings
• College and early adulthood

Have plenty of family discussions around these topics. If you don’t, you might find yourself facing some difficult situations. From the earliest age, spell out the rules and follow through with appropriate consequences.

BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT

I encourage you to spend some time thinking about what intentional things you can say that will have a positive impact on your kids.

For me, when God answered my prayers, I would share that with my kids. I would tell them how God was answering my prayer, working in my life, and where I saw God giving me direction. I had mindful conversations with them that pointed to God’s active presence in my life and in our family. 

The thing to remember is, these types of conversations don’t naturally come up because the stuff of life usually fills the space. That’s why intentionality is key. Make it a point to share deeper things with your kids so the day-to-day stuff doesn’t overshadow the more important things.

We will not hide these truths from our children; we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord, about his power and his mighty wonders…so each generation should set its hope anew on God, not forgetting his glorious miracles and obeying his commands. 

Psalm 78:4-7 (NLT)

As my kids were growing up, I was always willing to speak to them from a spiritual level beyond their own spirituality. In doing this, it stretched them and grew them. The thing is, you have to be mindful about it. You need to reflect on things ahead of time and prepare your mind and heart. You need to pray about it. Just as you are mindful in your business, always thinking ahead and planning things out, you need to be mindful in communicating with your children. The family is worth so much more, I believe you should prepare for spiritual conversations at least as much as you prepare for serious conversations in your business.

It truly is a blessing to have a good communication relationship with your children. It’s something that carries into adulthood and remains strong as they begin to have their own families. I strongly suggest starting from a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance and being intentional about communicating with your kids on all levels. After all, communication matters more than you think.

It is my sincerest hope that you will develop healthy communication skills with your children and reap the benefits of a strong father/child connection. Through consistency and intentionality, you can make communication a priority in your family!

ACTION STEPS:

Is communication a priority in your family? Start by scheduling a family meeting tonight or at dinner. Keep it fun and informal, by including our “peaks and pits” idea to get the conversation going. Before long, your children will be coming to you for wisdom and guidance – something that will hopefully continue once they’re grown.