When it comes to divorce, the world is very good at showing you the ‘greener’ grass over the fence; with many believing that ‘the ideal spouse’ is out there. However, I believe this to be an absolute lie. Being mindful of the cost of divorce is valuable as it will quickly re-focus you when your mind starts to wonder.
I have heard many say that they are staying married because they are not willing to give up half of their net worth. Indeed, divorce is expensive; besides the financial cost there is a lot more that is lost. Relationships with friends change, there’s the cost of moving and starting a new home and the most expensive being the impact on the children. At the end of the day, divorce can be harmful and a lot of people who move in that direction often don’t fully weigh the cost.
I believe if the financial factor is what keeps you in your marriage, it’s a good thing. However, for as long as you choose to be in it, then continue to work at it. Remember, as a couple you made a commitment to one another, and you must try to see it through.
I have seen couples who have gotten divorced, and sometimes the second time around, have learned so much through the process of divorce that they are a different person. We have friends who in their second marriage are better husbands or wives than they were in their first marriage. However, I don’t believe you need a second marriage to learn and figure that out; you can be that in your first marriage. If you continue to learn through it, then your marriage will generally be better for it.
I firmly believe that Kathy is the right person for me. I don’t believe my life would be better if I found someone else. Neither of us is perfect; but by staying at it and working on it we have both benefited. Either of us could have quit at one point or another, and the world would say ‘no problem’, but to me that is not an attractive option.
Couples have different methods of building and sustaining their marriages. One of the approaches that has worked well for us is having full transparency with each other. Kathy has access to my entire calendar. At any time, she can see where I am and how to reach me if she needs to. I like the idea that she can look up my phone and see exactly where I am. Kathy can also flip through my phone at any time. She can go through any app and will not find anything I would be embarrassed of her seeing. We have both taken steps to be transparent; once you do this it becomes difficult to have a life where you are hiding something. Living this way has served us well.
Indeed, it takes work to make a marriage last and sometimes that work involves seeking outside help – through counseling. Most people tend to hesitate when they think about counseling – the idea of being vulnerable and open is not easy. However, when done right, it can be exceptionally useful and beneficial. Counseling helps you understand yourself and can reveal things hidden deep in your heart. You understand your motivations clearly and therefore helps you make better decisions going forward. Through counseling you are able to identify issues and develop the right tools to address them.
I do appreciate though, that not all marriages can work, and divorce sometimes is the only option. For Christians, the Bible presents marriage as a sacred union between a man and a woman designed to last a lifetime. Many therefore have questions about divorce, as matters arise that are sensitive and painful. The Bible provides three main areas that are grounds for divorce. I would like to share them that you may gain a better understanding of the principles that underlie them:
DEATH
The Bible recognizes death as a valid reason for divorce. In Romans 7:2 the apostle Paul explains that a woman is bound to her husband by law as long as he lives, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. Similarly in 1 Corinthians 7:39 we read “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord.”
ABANDONMENT
Abandonment is a painful reality that can leave deep emotional scars, but the Bible recognizes it as a valid reason for divorce. In 1 Corinthians 7:15 Paul explains if an unbelieving spouse chooses to leave the marriage, the believer spouse is not bound to stay in the marriage.
ADULTERY
Adultery is a violation of the marriage covenant and is one of the grounds for divorce presented in the Bible. Forgiveness is always an option, and time and effort are required to restore broken trust. In Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 Jesus teaches if a spouse commits adultery, the other spouse has the right to divorce them.
These categories are listed from the easiest to the most difficult to evaluate. Admittedly, this subject is a sensitive one and must be evaluated through prayer, wisdom and counsel. Below are some practical considerations I would encourage couples to make:
- If you are trying to figure out the grounds for divorce so that you can get your relationship to qualify, then your heart is in the wrong place.
- You do not have to divorce even if you have grounds to. Couples can and do forgive one another, work through a process of healing and make it through from awful to wonderful times.
- This decision cannot be made in isolation. The issue of divorce is so complicated, especially where children are involved, discreet wise counsel should be invited in. These people cannot be friends and family who take your side, but Godly people seeking to help everyone involved find God’s side (such as professional counselors or Godly pastors).
- This decision cannot be made hastily. In anger or hurt, we can make a short-term decision that we later regret.
- You cannot make this decision in lust. If you have an emotional and/or physical relationship with someone other than your spouse and your motivation for the divorce is to move on to another person, then your reasoning and motives are not objective and will keep you from walking in God’s will.
It is not right or healthy to place the full weight of obedience on just one person in a marriage. Throughout Scripture, God speaks to both husbands and wives, calling each to live out their roles with faithfulness. Both should be greatly encouraged to follow God’s Word and trust Him with the outcome of their relationship.
ACTION STEP
Divorce is not a decision to be taken lightly and must be approached with compassion, love and wisdom. The Bible recognizes that it may become a necessary option in certain situations; however, understanding the Biblical grounds for divorce can help couples navigate difficult situations, lean in, seek help and restoration in their relationships.
I’ve attached a handout titled The Cost of Divorce that lists other areas divorce negatively affects. Please take the time to read through them and share with a family member or friend who you think could gain from it too.
